Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day Two - bracing for tomorrow!

Well I am on day two now, bracing my self for tomorrow, those that know what I mean, know what I mean.  Day three is the hardest day of the physical withdrawal process - day four and five will taper back and there will be no physical symptoms by day six.  I have made it to the tenth day once and to the sixth day once, I know what is coming and I fear it.

The psychological symptoms however, will never go away completely, this is the reason for the two failures I have had post days ten and six.  I had in both instances removed myself by way of hundreds of kilometers from my suppliers, then as soon as I got back to within a few km's of my home I was ready to 'get on' again, craving madly.  I have no real knowledge of long term recovery as yet, but am led to believe that it will taper down of the years, but will never disappear.

I spent today with friends, trying to avoid thinking of any things that might cause me to crave.  There are so much goings on in my life, pertaining to family and there inerrant disappointment with me that I found it hard to concentrate on anything else, after a few hours I became jittery and had to leave before it became abundantly clear that something was up with me.

It is worth noting that this is a cold turkey attempt, no patches, no implants, no pharmaceuticals.  This is purely based on a promise made to the most important person in my life at the moment, second to my kids, and a recognised dangerous impact this is having on my life and the people I care about.  I have lied to all of them before, I have never given my word until now however, this is the test, does my word still mean anything or have a truly descended into the realm of the Junky?  Time...

A lie uncovered:  I have lost too many friends to think about, I have lost my best friend to this scourge, I died the day he did but was revived he was not.  I shot up that day on the way home from the hospital, I shot up before his funeral, I shot up every day I could from then till two days ago. 

Well tomorrow is another day, taking the clichéd 'one day at a time' for now...

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