After the split, I did not really take things to well at all. I drank, not much surprisingly. My choice was mainly hallucinogens, uppers, and the like. I am fairly sure I did not touch smack at all during this period. Probably because we did not know anyone to get it from. The length of this post reflects the quality of my memories for this time.
I will post up recollctions as they come, I have flashes from this period occasionally.
I stopped in August when I got back with my family, that darn void again, maybe that is what I need now - something to fill it with (moment of clarity???)
Thursday, January 2, 2003
Wednesday, January 1, 2003
The worst kind of decision
You see my forgiveness was surplus to requirements... She had followed her heart, which may well have been true. Where did that leave me?
Choices; move out, or stay around and sit by whilst she dated this low life ex-con mongrel fucker. What choices are they? I could not move immediately had I wanted to, by the same token I needed to be around to prevent this fool from having anything to do with the kids.
So I stay, after what seemed like weeks of being able to hear them 'do it' through the paper thin walls, I had gone mad, the choice had become leave or be charged with Murder. So I left, a weak shell of a man unable to fend off predators, no wonder my fate was sealed in such fashion.
I want to make it perfectly clear I assign no blame to the Woman concerned regarding my habbit, it was my choice to fill a void not hers, she may have provided the void - I filled it.
Choices; move out, or stay around and sit by whilst she dated this low life ex-con mongrel fucker. What choices are they? I could not move immediately had I wanted to, by the same token I needed to be around to prevent this fool from having anything to do with the kids.
So I stay, after what seemed like weeks of being able to hear them 'do it' through the paper thin walls, I had gone mad, the choice had become leave or be charged with Murder. So I left, a weak shell of a man unable to fend off predators, no wonder my fate was sealed in such fashion.
I want to make it perfectly clear I assign no blame to the Woman concerned regarding my habbit, it was my choice to fill a void not hers, she may have provided the void - I filled it.
Monday, December 30, 2002
New Years - The day it all went wrong
Today I find out that I have been cheated on. Everything is upside down, my perfect existence shattered. What did I do?
There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief. Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc. At these times you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.
But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs. Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.
Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Why is it easier to accept? Because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.
I asked myself can I forgive her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you to heal.
Sure I said, I can forgive. But there was a hitch, to this day I have no idea how I survived through the torment to follow without loosing all respect for myself or commiting suicide.
There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief. Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc. At these times you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.
But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs. Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.
Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Why is it easier to accept? Because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.
I asked myself can I forgive her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you to heal.
Sure I said, I can forgive. But there was a hitch, to this day I have no idea how I survived through the torment to follow without loosing all respect for myself or commiting suicide.
Saturday, March 17, 2001
A Second Child
My first, genetically, child is born. What a day. Feelings that can't be placed into words. Excellent job, nice car, average dwelling... What more could a man want?
Monday, January 1, 2001
The Big Move
With the news that we have a child on the way we move out to a more affordable area. This would prove to possibly be the biggest mistake of my life, though I will never know this for certain.
Still no cravings, naturally...
Still no cravings, naturally...
Monday, March 1, 1999
A wonderous day - the beginings of family
I meet my soul-mate, complete with child, both of whom I fall in love with completely within a few weeks.
Only a month in we are living together, oddly enough due to the people she was living with having a drug problem and leaving a needle lying around. I could not stand for that, having a good job and brilliant prospects, we get a flat together in the inner-suburbs.
Life is perfect, what could possibly go wrong?
Only a month in we are living together, oddly enough due to the people she was living with having a drug problem and leaving a needle lying around. I could not stand for that, having a good job and brilliant prospects, we get a flat together in the inner-suburbs.
Life is perfect, what could possibly go wrong?
Friday, December 25, 1998
Christmas 1998 - 2nd Shot, nothing to worry about, it's under conrtol.
Well it is Christmas day, almost 4 months since my first shot of Heroin. Not suprisingly I had felt no ill effects in this period, all the hype in the videos from school and the various 'survivors' they drag round on show to tell you about 'just one try' an your addicted instantly was bull shit. Aremed with this information, the choice to have another go was pretty straight forward for me, 'snow cones' piss off, I am hard, lets go get picks (needles, guns, syringes etc).
What an awesome day, it flew by, the people that knew me best none the wiser. Could it be? A substance that made me feel so could, with little or no detectable traces to the outside world? Bliss, euphoria and extacy were the modes of the day.
I vomitted immediatly after having it, quite common, something you would think would put people off, but no it is quite a nice sensation when high.
The next few days / weeks / months / years were fine, no urges to have more, no cravings, no come-down... It would be almost three years till my next 'hit'.
What an awesome day, it flew by, the people that knew me best none the wiser. Could it be? A substance that made me feel so could, with little or no detectable traces to the outside world? Bliss, euphoria and extacy were the modes of the day.
I vomitted immediatly after having it, quite common, something you would think would put people off, but no it is quite a nice sensation when high.
The next few days / weeks / months / years were fine, no urges to have more, no cravings, no come-down... It would be almost three years till my next 'hit'.
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