The worst kind of decision

You see my forgiveness was surplus to requirements...  She had followed her heart, which may well have been true.  Where did that leave me?

Choices; move out, or stay around and sit by whilst she dated this low life ex-con mongrel fucker.  What choices are they?  I could not move immediately had I wanted to, by the same token I needed to be around to prevent this fool from having anything to do with the kids.

So I stay, after what seemed like weeks of being able to hear them 'do it' through the paper thin walls, I had gone mad, the choice had become leave or be charged with Murder.  So I left, a weak shell of a man unable to fend off predators, no wonder my fate was sealed in such fashion.

I want to make it perfectly clear I assign no blame to the Woman concerned regarding my habbit, it was my choice to fill a void not hers, she may have provided the void - I filled it.

New Years - The day it all went wrong

Today I find out that I have been cheated on.  Everything is upside down, my perfect existence shattered.  What did I do? 

There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief. Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc. At these times you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.

But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs. Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.

Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Why is it easier to accept? Because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.

I asked myself can I forgive her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you to heal.

Sure I said, I can forgive.  But there was a hitch, to this day I have no idea how I survived through the torment to follow without loosing all respect for myself or commiting suicide.

A Second Child

My first, genetically, child is born.  What a day.  Feelings that can't be placed into words.  Excellent job, nice car, average dwelling...  What more could a man want?

The Big Move

With the news that we have a child on the way we move out to a more affordable area.  This would prove to possibly be the biggest mistake of my life, though I will never know this for certain.

Still no cravings, naturally...

A wonderous day - the beginings of family

I meet my soul-mate, complete with child, both of whom I fall in love with completely within a few weeks.
Only a month in we are living together, oddly enough due to the people she was living with having a drug problem and leaving a needle lying around. I could not stand for that, having a good job and brilliant prospects, we get a flat together in the inner-suburbs.
Life is perfect, what could possibly go wrong?

Christmas 1998 - 2nd Shot, nothing to worry about, it's under conrtol.

Well it is Christmas day, almost 4 months since my first shot of Heroin.  Not suprisingly I had felt no ill effects in this period, all the hype in the videos from school and the various 'survivors' they drag round on show to tell you about 'just one try' an your addicted instantly was bull shit.  Aremed with this information, the choice to have another go was pretty straight forward for me, 'snow cones' piss off, I am hard, lets go get picks (needles, guns, syringes etc).

What an awesome day, it flew by, the people that knew me best none the wiser.  Could it be?  A substance that made me feel so could, with little or no detectable traces to the outside world?  Bliss, euphoria and extacy were the modes of the day.

I vomitted immediatly after having it, quite common, something you would think would put people off, but no it is quite a nice sensation when high.

The next few days / weeks / months / years were fine, no urges to have more, no cravings, no come-down...  It would be almost three years till my next 'hit'.

My Introduction to Heroin

I am not one who subscribes to peer pressure, I made my choices, they were what I perceived to be at the time informed choices.  Any intimation that I in someway blame any of the individuals within this post for any of my decisions is perceived only by the reader, and most certainly not intended to be conveyed by the author.

My self and a couple of friends had been collecting a close friend from Prison, he had been a heroin addict prior to his incarceration, at the time of the incarceration I would have been 15 or so.  My two friends that knew this person we were collecting had also both had earlier Heroin Addictions, they had both subsequently kicked their individual habits, this as is often the case was mainly due to the fact that he was the only place they could actually get it from.  Heroin is a drug that seems to have a majority hold via temptation, once the temptation is removed it is not as hard as some may suggest to stop yourself from craving it, it is rather when you know that you can access it that you crave it.  This was a subtlety that I clearly did not fully grasp at the time.

After we had collected our friend, his immediate need was to 'get on', subtly I did notice my two other friends who had seemingly kicked their habits starting to 'twitch' or crave the fix.  After a few hours of this it was decided that we would go and collect a small amount to see how it went, at that point I was hell bent on not having any.  Some years prior to this, my knowledge of the addictions of my friends had caused me to turn my back on them (something I now know to be the worst thing I could have done).  I had got back in touch with them a year or so after their habits were broken, and we happened across each other and managed to patch things up.

I watched on, somewhat apprehensively as they 'shot up', one of them said to me "why don't you have a little on a cone (marijuana), it will do hardly anything, just make you feel like you've had many cones", he said.  The closest of my two friends, hell bent against the idea for-bey me to do so, so we went to the party and the night went on.  A little later the friend with they initial suggestion, approached me and made the suggestion again.  I have a great dislike for alcohol being used as an excuse for any for of behaviour that one claims to be out of their norm, and for that matter I don't being pissed changed all that much, I would like to think I would have said no had I been sober, but the reality is somewhat different.  I had watched them earlier 'shooting up' and the effect it had on them, I had tried most other drugs at this point and though, 'yeah I can handle it', I decided to have a 'snow cone' (a cone of weed with Heroin sprinkled on top), about two hours later I had a needle hanging out my arm and the rest as they say is history.

And for the next 12 years I would ask my self, why did I not listen to my best friend, he knew what would happen, he had been down the road - he cared, and I just ignored his concerns and love and did it anyway.  Now the price is paid.