Struggles of a Recovering Junk Addict

Stonewalled!

2010-02-09T03:51:00.000-08:00

Well the Doctor won't help me in the way that I want, so it looks like I have to continue to struggle the hard way and keep my addiction as low as possible for the next little while, until I can get into the Next Step program and take it from there.
Very disappointing, you would think that a GP would want to help someone who has a clear plan of getting off this shit without using opiate based crutches....
Anyway, lots to plan at the moment, have to move house as the owner is selling. They say things come in three's, cant wait to see what is the next hurdle...

The 'New' Plan

2010-02-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

I had my call yesterday from Next Step, they can not help me as they only do In-Patient Detox, but they did suggest I go back to my Doctor with a list of what I want and see if he is prepared to give it to me direct, only thing is Doctor's arn't allowed to prescribe Sub over here - which is probably the reason he referred me to Next Step.

Here is what I will be trying to get to make my withdrawals more tollerable, I know, very lame but I just can't do it un-assisted. Click the name to link to a Wiki page with very detailed information on the specific drug.

  Gabapentin (Neurontin) - for the restless leg, I get this lots anyway, even before I was addicted. One of the many reasons for my insomnia, though I did not even know it was an illness till very recently.

It is a GABA analogue, or γ-Aminobutyric acid is the chief inhibitory neurotransmitter in the mammalian central nervous system. It plays a role in regulating neuronal excitability throughout the nervous system.

In humans, GABA is also directly responsible for the regulation of muscle tone. In insect species GABA acts only on excitatory nerve receptors.

It was originally developed for the treatment of epilepsy, and currently, gabapentin is widely used to relieve pain, especially neuropathic pain.

Gabapentin should not be discontinued abruptly after long term use. Abrupt or over rapid withdrawal may provoke a withdrawal syndrome similar to alcohol or benzodiazepine withdrawal. Gradual reduction over a period of weeks or months helps minimize or prevents the withdrawal syndrome

  Trazadone - for sleep, it is a psychoactive drug of the piperazine and triazolopyridine chemical classes that has antidepressant, anxiolytic, and hypnotic properties.

It inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, but possesses a far lower affinity for the serotonin transporter (SERT) than drugs in the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class, such as fluoxetine (Prozac) and citalopram (Celexa).

Abruptly stopping the taking trazodone, even in doses as low as 25 mg (common for use as a sleep aid for people with anxiety disorders), may experience adverse mental reactions such as emotional instability, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts. Although such warnings may be included in printed materials supplied with the drug, physicians prescribing trazodone, particularly those who are not psychiatrists, might not give oral warnings.

  Clonidine - for watery eyes and nose, diarrhea, irritability etc. It is a direct-acting α2 adrenergic agonist, an adrenergic agent is a drug, or other substance, which has effects similar to, or the same as, epinephrine (adrenaline). Thus, it is a kind of sympathomimetic agent.

It may cause lightheadedness, dry mouth, dizziness, or constipation. Clonidine may also cause hypotension.

Clonidine suppresses sympathetic outflow resulting in lower blood pressure, but sudden discontinuation can cause rebound hypertension due to a rebound in sympathetic outflow. Clonidine therapy should generally be gradually tapered off when discontinuing therapy to avoid rebound effects from occurring

  Alprazolam (Xanax) - for the anxiety, insomnia, agitation, shakes etc. It is a short-acting drug of the benzodiazepine class. It is primarily used to treat moderate to severe anxiety disorders and panic attacks, and is used as an adjunctive treatment for anxiety associated with moderate depression.

It has a fast onset of symptom relief (within the first week); it is unlikely to produce dependency or abuse. Tolerance to the therapeutic effects of alprazolam is controversial with one view being that alprazolam is ineffective with long term use and the other view being that tolerance to the therapeutic effects does not occur.

It, like other benzodiazepines, binds to specific sites on the GABAA gamma-amino-butyric acid receptor. When bound to these sites, which are referred to as benzodiazepine receptors, it modulates the effect of GABA A receptors and, thus, GABAnergic neurons. Long-term use causes adaptive changes in the benzodiazepine receptors, making them less sensitive to stimulation and less powerful in their effects.

It should never be abruptly stopped if taken regularly for any length of time because severe withdrawal symptoms may occur. Severe psychosis and seizures have been reported in the medical literature from abrupt alprazolam discontinuation, and one death occurred from withdrawal-related seizures after gradual dose reduction.

  Immodium - for nausea and diarrhea..

In the air is, Suboxone it is supposed to cover the 'want' part of WD, it is a semi-synthetic opiate with partial agonist actions, and antagonist actions. I am going to try to avoid this, for two reasons, getting on it means I have to wait ages for any treatment at all and the I am still worried by all the horror stories out there.

I mean looking at what those other drugs do, I reckon I can get through it without Sub, others have done so. I am thinking it just depends from person to person and the best way is to just give it my best and see what happens, and if necessary make the modifications as needed...

Not sure of doses yet, need to sit down with the 'Quack' and fugure all that out, have an appointment tomorrow with the Dr. in question. For that matter I am not even sure he will go along with all this, all up in the air at the moment.

Will post up the outcome.

Cheers!

Still Plodding

2010-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Well I had my appointment today with the Doctor, after waiting to see him I was told that I had to go to Next Step (name of clinic), would have thought the receptionist could have told me that when I was booking the appointment. I went in and filled in several forms of reasonably arbitrary information, after all that I have to wait a couple of weeks for them to call me back to do a phone interview. The phone interview judges my suitability to be put on a two month waiting list.

You would think they would treat, as a priority, and help people who want off the shit, wrong... Apparently this is all due to a bunch of Red Tape that the Government has put in place, grrrhhh!

Oh well, just keeping struggling along I suppose.

My Wagon has broken wheels

2010-02-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I have basically admitted defeat here, in a sense at least. I am going in to the doctors on Wednesday to sign up on some sort of program for getting off this shit.

I have been researching my intended strategy and in doing so came across SubSux, they are a really great group of people that have been through what I am going through and I am currently getting some pointers from a couple of them.

Not sure where all this will lead right now, time will tell. Will post up the results from my Doctor's Appointment Wednesday some time.

Gosh this is hard.

Still of the Wagon

2010-01-29T05:14:00.000-08:00

I made it one more day and then again back to it, I may now only have a couple of choices as it seems that I do not have the strength to kick this unassisted.

The choices are, for me, as I don't want to do the Naltrexone implant or Suboxone (Buprenorphine) due to experiences some of my mates have had recently, are Methadone or Slow Release Oral Morphine. As I am currently weighing the pros and cons of which route to attempt first, I will try to record and convey as best I can a comparison of the choices open to me and the reasons I will have to choose whichever of them I end upon.

This is truly one of the hardest things I have ever attempted, I can not believe how I could have possibly thought I was in control of this thing for so long, what a fool.

Wheel filters - lets be as safe as possible.

2010-01-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

Wheel filters are the best way to filter any solution, this guide is designed primarily for people who want to inject pills, but safe is best when it comes to putting anything in your body, I highly recommend using these if you have to use at all. Learn from my experience.

Almost all needle exchange programs have them handy, in varying specifications of course. Wheel filters look like flying saucers and contain gauze which is capable of removing vary fine particles. They come in a variety of sizes, designed to filter specific particles such as chalk or wax. Although it is always better to filter a solution than not, cotton wool and tampons only filter down to about 50 microns, which can still allow particles to enter the bloodstream.

Green wheels contain 0.8 supor membrane gauze and are best used with hot M.S. Contin mixes. Blue wheels contain 0.2 supor membrane gauze and are best used to filter liquid methadone, or mixes of speed/coke/heroin from bacteria. Some users report they also work well with subutex. Blue wheels are capable of filtering bacteria, which means they are great for people with a lowered immune system (or indeed anyone who wants a super pure taste), however they don’t filter viruses (such as hep c or HIV). Red wheels contain 0.45 supor membrane gauze and are best used with chalky pills such as anamorph or physeptone.

Wheel filters are a bit tricky to master at first, but once you have the hang of them, they’re easy to use and your veins will thank you!!

When you’re using a wheel filter, you need to be patient and keep a steady hand. I always use a clean plate underneath my mix whilst I’m preparing it to minimize the risk of an unhappy accident. Wheel filters work best with 5ml or 10ml barrels. If you use a smaller barrel, such as a 3ml, the equipment has a greater tendency to ‘explode’ when you apply pressure. You should use firm pressure, but not try to force the solution through the filter. If the solution is not going through the filter, you may need to change filters or add more water to the mix.

Remember that wheel filters can only be used to filter solution in one direction. This means that you can either draw the liquid up through the filter or push it through the filter.

To use a wheel filter most efficiently you need firstly to wet the filter. Wetting a wheel filter removes the air bubbles and to decreases the chances of the filter blocking up.

Attach a clean barrel containing 2 or 3 ml of sterile water to the wheel filter. (You will notice that on either side of the wheel filter are two places to attach a tip and barrel. The tip ‘screws’ in, whilst the barrel is simply inserted and should fit snugly.)

sourced from "Network Against Prohibition" Filtering and Injecting.

S6B52KKC8YRB

Off the Wagon - Why?

2010-01-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

Well I have caved in to the temptation, there are a lot of reasons I can use, the main one is the pain in my legs at the moment, but none are valid. I chose again to have some, will power is a funny thing. I am not trying to defend my actions, merely hoping the process of understanding my actions will help me to resolve them in some way shape or form.

There are many studies that show that Heroin, and many other Opioids actually damage the area of the brain related to 'will power'. There is some research floating about at the moment, which focuses mainly on 'will power' and intimates that if a person tries to make too many life changes at a given time they can easily overburden their prefrontal cortex, (the part of the brain responsible for will power, short term memory and problem solving). Not a very good combination of areas or facets to loose full control over when one is trying to quit an addiction.

Over at Stanford, Associated Professor of Marketing Baba Shiv has been conducting practical experimentation into why we make the choices we do.

A group of students, divided into two sets were tasked as follows: "One group was given a two-digit number to remember, while the second group was given a seven-digit number. Then they were told to walk down the hall, where they were presented with two different snack options: a slice of chocolate cake or a bowl of fruit salad."

The statistics seem to show that the students with seven numbers to remember were nearly twice as likely to choose the cake as students given two digits. One possible reason, according to Prof. Shiv, is that the process of remembering the numbers took up space in prefrontal cortex, increasing 'cognitive load' and by extension making it difficult to make choices that went against 'desire'.

This highlights just how pathetically weak the brain can be in matters of 'will power' and 'temptation', and also shows that people who struggle with 'will power' issues may not be just plain bad people, but may indeed just have a lot on their minds.

When you couple this theory with the amount of information parsed by the brain during the process of trying to relieve oneself of an addiction it surely seems to transcend into a 'catch 22' type position.

I think 'distraction' is going to have to be my mode for the next while at least, other studies have shown that people who are good at distracting themselves from 'temptation' have a better chance of avoiding bad choices.

A good example is the study recently undertaken by Prof. Paul Mischel, University of California, has shown that four-year-old children who are better at resisting the allure of eating a marshmallow, are the ones who sing songs, play with their shoelaces or pretend the marshmallow is a cloud. In other words, they're able to temporarily clear the temptation out of consciousness. "Because they know that willpower is weak, they excel at controlling the spotlight of attention: When faced with candy, they stare at the carrots."

So where to for me now? Have I indeed fallen into the realm of the true Junky, as a result of breaking my promise, I truly hope not. One thing is for sure, I am not giving up, going to look into 12-step programs and the like, continue researching into the methodology of abstaining from substance abuse, and hope for the best.

I will not be beaten by this.

Anthrax Tainted Heroin?

2010-01-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

Just herd that we now have a lethal batch of Heroin floating around the streets, that has been tainted with Anthrax. What is next?

It does make you wonder though, is this really a part of the terror campaign as the powers that be would like us to think or is it rather an accident at the point of manufacture?

Lets face it most of our smack comes from Afghanistan or neighboring areas, we are told all the time that terror funding comes from the sale of illegal drugs to westerners, is it such a giant leap to think that this is just an accident, that the same lab was used to make Anthrax as was used to make Heroin without proper procedures, these are after-all back yard drugs people. I find it hard to believe that any dealer, supplier or manufacturer wants their clientel to die.

But there we have it, they are, 8 so far. Counting...

Australia Day

2010-01-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Terra Australis, Terra Australis Ignota, Terra Australis Incognita, Magallanica or Magellanica, La Australia del Espíritu Santo, and La grande isle de Java, or Australia to the masses.

404 years since conception (first sighting of Terra Australis), 222 years since birth (first settlement of Terra Australis), 186 years since British Admiralty accepted the name Australia into the vernacular (thank you Matthew Flinders), 109 years since we moved out from home (signing of the constitution for Terra Australis), you would think at this age we could have a drink!

On 26 January 1808, Manning Clark notes that the '20th anniversary of the foundation of the colony' was observed in the traditional manner with 'drinking and merriment'. So why can't I have a bevvy on the foreshore???

At any rate I digress, we had an excellent day, what more could I want. Kids, family, merriment, good food, great company....

Really wanted to have a hit today, after dropping the kids back to their Mother, seems like the horrible Physical Withdrawal has for the most part vanished but her insidious brother Psychological Withdrawal is here to stay.

To make it just that little bit harder my knees are really hurting from the other night out, one quick shot and I wont feel a thing. The other side of this knee thing is I can't work, so I have been bored and depressed, not so much today, but will be again tomorrow. My gag reflex is kicking in just thinking about it, after prolonged Heroin use some people get what is Medically Diagnosed as a 'Hypersensitive Gag Reflex', this can be triggered by almost anything ranging from things that normally make someone feel a bit ill to the most mundane act or stimuli to, most usually for me, thinking about Heroin.

Got to stay strong...

Better to have a bottle in front of me,

2010-01-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

than a frontal lobotomy...

On day nine now, I think, I have stayed very drunk the last few days which has helped a fair bit but has the consequence of blurring time a little. Must be day nine ;)

Got to sober up now, got the kids tomorrow, time to man up and actually face this thing cold turkey.

Feeling confident, the problem with 'hope at the end of the tunnel' is that I always see the flip side of it, an epic fail!

Oh What A Night

2010-01-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

I am doing well, had a massive Friday night on socially acceptable medications (alcohol). Feeling utterly dreadful today, last night was a bit of a release of some pent up steam, drank way too much, stuffed my knees up some how and wont be able to work for a few days, which is bad as we have Australia Day coming up and I do work that would have yielded a very large pay packet for the day. To top it all off I made an absolute prise prick of myself at the place I work, not a good idea to 'shit in your own back yard' as they say.

Not missing the smack so much today, feeling as crap as I am at the moment I can hardly smoke cigarettes, let alone anything harder...

Going to have an early night and see what tomorrow brings...

Day Two - revisited! Arse to it.

2010-01-19T06:23:00.001-08:00

Here's a shock, coming down again, I suppose they had to do it, but shux. Bit peeved I feel like I did on day two, not looking forward to tomorrow I can tell you all that. At any rate this is just a quick one, got to go back in time and fill in some history.

Day Three - Oh My God... (continued...)

2010-01-18T06:05:00.000-08:00

So I ended up going to Hospital, seems that lung infections like Pneumonia and Bronchitis are quite common when withdrawing from Smack. Apparently they are also common during the use of it, who knew... At any rate I dragged my arse into the hospital this morning because of all the pain I was having in my left lung, turned out to be mild Pneumonia, a bacteria that like to reproduce rapidly in your lungs when your immuno-suppressant system is not working correctly. Problem is that Heroin gives the Immune System a somewhat misrepresented bolstering, for instance you can be in the middle of one of the worst flu's you have ever had, and just a little smack will knock it on the head. In actual fact Heroin was used from the early 1800's til about the 1920's for the treatment of coughs and other flu like diagnosis.

Pneumonia is caused by the inhalation of infected microorganisms (tiny, single-celled living organisms, such as bacteria, viruses, fungi or protozoa) spread through contact with an infected person. The microorganisms enter the body through the mouth, nose and eyes. If the body's resistance is down (thank you Heroin), the natural process of fighting off diseases is weakened and the microorganisms are free to spread into the lungs and the lungs' air sacs. The air sacs become filled with fluid and pus from the infectious agent, making it more difficult for the body to get the oxygen it needs.

There are three main types of pneumonia, Mycoplasmal, Bacterial and Viral.

Fortunately, it may seem, for me I have the Bacterial variety, the Viral variety is not so readily treatable with Antibiotics. Pneumonia-causing bacteria is present in many throats, but when the body's defenses are weakened (for example, by illness, old age, malnutrition, impaired immunity or excessive drug use) the bacteria can multiply, working its way into the lungs, inflaming the air sacs and filling the lungs with liquid and pus. The bacteria that cause bacterial pneumonia are streptococcus pneumonia (resulting in lobar pneumonia), hemophilus influenza (resulting in bronchopneumonia), legionella pneumophilia (resulting in Legionnaires' disease) and staphylococcus aureus.

The Viral variety is caused by viruses (funny that), such as influenza (flu), adenovirus, coxsackievirus, chickenpox, measles, cytomegalovirus and respiratory syncytial virus. These viruses also invade the lungs and multiply.

With bacterial pneumonia, you experience:

    * shaking

    * chills

    * chattering teeth

    * severe chest pain

    * cough that produces rust-colored or greenish mucus

    * very high fever

    * sweating

    * rapid breathing

    * rapid pulse rate

With viral pneumonia, the you experience:

    * fever

    * dry cough

    * headache

    * muscle pain and weakness

So given the above, the diagnosis was made rather hard for the Doctor's considering all of those symptoms accept severe chest pain can be put down to the Physical Withdrawal process of Heroin.

The remedy is a course of Antibiotics and bed rest, the real shitty thing of it is that they had to give me some pretty cool painkillers, I did not find out what they were but I am hoping against hope they were not Opioid based or I will be set back 2 days in this process. Grrrrhhhh!!!! There are litterally hundreds of story's when you google Heroin Relapse that reference an accident or some incident in the persons life, that required a Medical Practioner to give pain releif, causing relapse... Not me...

Day Three - Oh My God...

2010-01-18T01:14:00.000-08:00

Last night was very hard indeed, most of the usual suspects reared their ugly heads for me. Can't wait to see what the rest of the day holds for me...
Piloerection (goose bumps), Runny Nose, Yawning - but combined with Insomnia (damn it all), Nausea, Vomiting, The Shakes, Cramps, Panic, Restless Leg Syndrome, Jitters, Chills and Sweats etc... I am so very irritable today, I feel like my lungs are going to cave in, like a real bad flu after coughing for for days.

I can feel my teeth again, this sucks, one of the major problems of Heroin use is that for some reason it seems to rot the teeth. Heroin dries out the saliva that is present to naturally combat oral bacteria, as do Meth and Cocaine and most likely a few other substances as well. In addition they deplete your body of nutrients that are vital to the growth of skin, hair, and nails as well as teeth and tooth enamel. Some people would suggest that when stoned all the time, people just don't care about much, other than the drug. Statements like "hygiene, sleep and food become things of the past", this for the most part in my experience is not the case - I take good care of my teeth and hygiene.

Fuck this is hard, so much pain in my lungs today, particularly the left one. Not sure why, I have not felt like this the last couple of times. Maybe it is a result of my addiction being so much greater than it had been prior to the last attempts. Might see a Doctor, God I hate Doctors, impartial mutherfuckers - sure, sitting there judging and and laughing inside. Should be called the 'hypocritical oath', given the figures on health care professionals and their substance abuse statistics.

So hard... I brought it on my self, now I must fix it my self...

Day Two - bracing for tomorrow!

2010-01-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

Well I am on day two now, bracing my self for tomorrow, those that know what I mean, know what I mean. Day three is the hardest day of the physical withdrawal process - day four and five will taper back and there will be no physical symptoms by day six. I have made it to the tenth day once and to the sixth day once, I know what is coming and I fear it.

The psychological symptoms however, will never go away completely, this is the reason for the two failures I have had post days ten and six. I had in both instances removed myself by way of hundreds of kilometers from my suppliers, then as soon as I got back to within a few km's of my home I was ready to 'get on' again, craving madly. I have no real knowledge of long term recovery as yet, but am led to believe that it will taper down of the years, but will never disappear.

I spent today with friends, trying to avoid thinking of any things that might cause me to crave. There are so much goings on in my life, pertaining to family and there inerrant disappointment with me that I found it hard to concentrate on anything else, after a few hours I became jittery and had to leave before it became abundantly clear that something was up with me.

It is worth noting that this is a cold turkey attempt, no patches, no implants, no pharmaceuticals. This is purely based on a promise made to the most important person in my life at the moment, second to my kids, and a recognised dangerous impact this is having on my life and the people I care about. I have lied to all of them before, I have never given my word until now however, this is the test, does my word still mean anything or have a truly descended into the realm of the Junky? Time...

A lie uncovered: I have lost too many friends to think about, I have lost my best friend to this scourge, I died the day he did but was revived he was not. I shot up that day on the way home from the hospital, I shot up before his funeral, I shot up every day I could from then till two days ago.

Well tomorrow is another day, taking the clichéd 'one day at a time' for now...

An introduction into this blog

2010-01-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I am currently on day one of my first real attempt (in my humble opinion) at ridding my self of this awful bane to my existence, there have been over the course of the last year or so two 'not so serious' attempts, I will get to those.

The plan I am following is called Straight Edge, Straight Edge (sXe, xXx, or "Edge") refers to a lifestyle, a personal commitment, a philosophy. Straight edgers abstain from recreational drugs, including tobacco and alcohol. Some followers of the straight-edge philosophy also abstain from promiscuous sex (skipping this bit), the regular use of painkillers, and the intake of caffeine. Some also practice vegetarianism or veganism (No Chance).

It is my intention to provide an historical account of my fall into the grasp of this drug, I sincerely hope it might help someone out there avoid my path. Once I have done this I will attempt to provide some reasoning as to why I have made the choice I am currently undertaking, the stress of the choice itself is such that any thing I write now will no doubt be malicious and misguided.

For the reasons outlined, I will be editing the "time posted" so that is correlates with the actual events as they took place, to the best of my capacity of recollection at least.

Enjoy the ride, and hopefully two birds will have been killed with one stone by the end of this; 1) I will be clean, and 2) I might stop just one person from taking my path.

Perhaps one day my family can forgive me, perhaps one day my three children will read this and know that no-one not even their perceived super-dad is infallible.

Wish me luck!

Czech Republic Decriminalizes ALL DRUGS

2009-12-18T07:19:00.000-08:00

The Czech cabinet Monday approved a Justice Ministry proposal that sets personal use quantity limits for illicit drugs under a penal code revision that decriminalizes drug possession in the Czech Republic. The law and its quantity limits will take effect on January 1. Happy New Years.

The Czech government had approved the decriminalization law late last year, but failed to set precise quantities covered by it, instead leaving it to police and prosecutors to determine what constituted a "larger than small" amount of drugs. The resulting confusion -- and the prosecution of some small-scale marijuana growers as drug traffickers -- led the government to adopt more precise criteria.

Under the new law, possession of less than the following amounts of illicit drugs will not be a criminal offense:
Marijuana 15 grams (or five plants)
Hashish 5 grams
Magic mushrooms 40 pieces
Peyote 5 plants
LSD 5 tablets
Ecstasy 4 tablets
Amphetamine 2 grams
Methamphetamine 2 grams
Heroin 1.5 grams
Coca 5 plants
Cocaine 1 gram

Possession of "larger than a small amount" of marijuana can result in a jail sentence of up to one year. For other illicit drugs, the sentence is two years. Trafficking offenses carry stiffer sentences.

Justice Minister Daniela Kovarova said that the ministry had originally proposed decriminalizing the possession of up to two grams of hard drugs, but decided that limits being imposed by courts this year were appropriate. "The government finally decided that it would stick to the current court practice and drafted a table based on these limits," Kovarova said.

The Czech Republic now joins Portugal as a European country that has decriminalized drug possession. Drug possession is also decriminalized de facto if not de jure in the Netherlands, and actual charging and prosecution practices in some other European countries already approach decriminalization in practice, if not as a matter of law.

sourced from "Stop the Drug War" Chronicle.

Pustulations and pain relief.

2008-08-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

Had to go into hospital today, had this massive lump under my armpit, no doubt some stupid infection I picked up as a result of Junky-dom. The people at the Hospital treated me quite well until they saw my history and decided I was just in for Pain Relief, apparently a lot of smack addicts feign injuries so they can get a hit from the Doctor.

Truth of the matter is this was probably a Staph infection (Staphylococcus aureus or golden staph) which is a bacterium, frequently living on the skin or in the nose of a healthy person, that can cause illnesses ranging from minor skin infections (such as pimples, boils, and cellulitis) and abscesses, to life-threatening diseases such as pneumonia, meningitis, endocarditis and septicemia.

At any rate, they would not treat me so I self medicated. Had double my normal dose of smack, half a pack of over the counter pain meds, and tried to drain it with a syringe. It was impossible to drain, so I ended up putting up with excruciating pain for the next couple of days until it finally burst.

It is highly probable that proper care and filtration would have avoided this, lesson learnt!

Death of the best friend a man could hope for

2008-06-06T06:49:00.000-07:00

Today my best friend died. I died too, I was lucky though, they got to me in time.

This had not been the first time for either of us, I had 'dropped' once before and my friend had three times before, twice with me, I saved him those times, but could not this time. 'Dropping' is a funny thing, the first time you do it it puts you off for a while, but after the WD's kick in you figure stuff it, I will be more careful next time, then eventually you think you are hard enough to handle a bigger dose or you get too confident and over you go again.

Final separation - all downhill now

2004-11-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

We separated for reasons I will delve into later, nothing to do with drugs, we had just both changed and were heading in differing directions in life.

This did prove to be the final undoing however. Here I mark the point of when my addiction began, the true addiction, only weeks after this event my future was sealed.

A Third Child

2004-04-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

Nuff said...

Return to Family

2003-08-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

This is about the time I am confronted with a letter explaining how sorry etc she was of all of what happened, and that she wanted me back etc.
Foolish me, agrees.

Once you accept the apology of your partner, moving on is a must, if you cant forget and forgive then you must also move on and be ready to face the consequences. It will take time, maybe even faster but everybody needs to move on. It is a process in a thing called life. Things are not always what we expect it to be, so happy are those who haven’t experience it, otherwise you should live by it. We can emerge a better person after all what we have been through.

I accepted it fully, I may have not been able to sleep everytime she was late home, or something came up, but the important thing is I never once told her, I trusted her again eventually.

It is besides the point, life was now perfect again, I had my family, the void was filled, I had no use for drugs anymore - so I thought...

7 months of drug addled-ness

2003-01-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

After the split, I did not really take things to well at all. I drank, not much surprisingly. My choice was mainly hallucinogens, uppers, and the like. I am fairly sure I did not touch smack at all during this period. Probably because we did not know anyone to get it from. The length of this post reflects the quality of my memories for this time.

I will post up recollctions as they come, I have flashes from this period occasionally.

I stopped in August when I got back with my family, that darn void again, maybe that is what I need now - something to fill it with (moment of clarity???)

The worst kind of decision

2003-01-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

You see my forgiveness was surplus to requirements... She had followed her heart, which may well have been true. Where did that leave me?

Choices; move out, or stay around and sit by whilst she dated this low life ex-con mongrel fucker. What choices are they? I could not move immediately had I wanted to, by the same token I needed to be around to prevent this fool from having anything to do with the kids.

So I stay, after what seemed like weeks of being able to hear them 'do it' through the paper thin walls, I had gone mad, the choice had become leave or be charged with Murder. So I left, a weak shell of a man unable to fend off predators, no wonder my fate was sealed in such fashion.

I want to make it perfectly clear I assign no blame to the Woman concerned regarding my habbit, it was my choice to fill a void not hers, she may have provided the void - I filled it.

New Years - The day it all went wrong

2002-12-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

Today I find out that I have been cheated on. Everything is upside down, my perfect existence shattered. What did I do?

There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief. Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc. At these times you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.

But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs. Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.

Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Why is it easier to accept? Because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.

I asked myself can I forgive her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you to heal.

Sure I said, I can forgive. But there was a hitch, to this day I have no idea how I survived through the torment to follow without loosing all respect for myself or commiting suicide.

A Second Child

2001-03-17T06:45:00.000-08:00

My first, genetically, child is born. What a day. Feelings that can't be placed into words. Excellent job, nice car, average dwelling... What more could a man want?

The Big Move

2001-01-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

With the news that we have a child on the way we move out to a more affordable area. This would prove to possibly be the biggest mistake of my life, though I will never know this for certain.

Still no cravings, naturally...

A wonderous day - the beginings of family

1999-03-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

I meet my soul-mate, complete with child, both of whom I fall in love with completely within a few weeks.
Only a month in we are living together, oddly enough due to the people she was living with having a drug problem and leaving a needle lying around. I could not stand for that, having a good job and brilliant prospects, we get a flat together in the inner-suburbs.
Life is perfect, what could possibly go wrong?

Christmas 1998 - 2nd Shot, nothing to worry about, it's under conrtol.

1998-12-25T06:32:00.000-08:00

Well it is Christmas day, almost 4 months since my first shot of Heroin. Not suprisingly I had felt no ill effects in this period, all the hype in the videos from school and the various 'survivors' they drag round on show to tell you about 'just one try' an your addicted instantly was bull shit. Aremed with this information, the choice to have another go was pretty straight forward for me, 'snow cones' piss off, I am hard, lets go get picks (needles, guns, syringes etc).

What an awesome day, it flew by, the people that knew me best none the wiser. Could it be? A substance that made me feel so could, with little or no detectable traces to the outside world? Bliss, euphoria and extacy were the modes of the day.

I vomitted immediatly after having it, quite common, something you would think would put people off, but no it is quite a nice sensation when high.

The next few days / weeks / months / years were fine, no urges to have more, no cravings, no come-down... It would be almost three years till my next 'hit'.

My Introduction to Heroin

1998-08-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am not one who subscribes to peer pressure, I made my choices, they were what I perceived to be at the time informed choices. Any intimation that I in someway blame any of the individuals within this post for any of my decisions is perceived only by the reader, and most certainly not intended to be conveyed by the author.

My self and a couple of friends had been collecting a close friend from Prison, he had been a heroin addict prior to his incarceration, at the time of the incarceration I would have been 15 or so. My two friends that knew this person we were collecting had also both had earlier Heroin Addictions, they had both subsequently kicked their individual habits, this as is often the case was mainly due to the fact that he was the only place they could actually get it from. Heroin is a drug that seems to have a majority hold via temptation, once the temptation is removed it is not as hard as some may suggest to stop yourself from craving it, it is rather when you know that you can access it that you crave it. This was a subtlety that I clearly did not fully grasp at the time.

After we had collected our friend, his immediate need was to 'get on', subtly I did notice my two other friends who had seemingly kicked their habits starting to 'twitch' or crave the fix. After a few hours of this it was decided that we would go and collect a small amount to see how it went, at that point I was hell bent on not having any. Some years prior to this, my knowledge of the addictions of my friends had caused me to turn my back on them (something I now know to be the worst thing I could have done). I had got back in touch with them a year or so after their habits were broken, and we happened across each other and managed to patch things up.

I watched on, somewhat apprehensively as they 'shot up', one of them said to me "why don't you have a little on a cone (marijuana), it will do hardly anything, just make you feel like you've had many cones", he said. The closest of my two friends, hell bent against the idea for-bey me to do so, so we went to the party and the night went on. A little later the friend with they initial suggestion, approached me and made the suggestion again. I have a great dislike for alcohol being used as an excuse for any for of behaviour that one claims to be out of their norm, and for that matter I don't being pissed changed all that much, I would like to think I would have said no had I been sober, but the reality is somewhat different. I had watched them earlier 'shooting up' and the effect it had on them, I had tried most other drugs at this point and though, 'yeah I can handle it', I decided to have a 'snow cone' (a cone of weed with Heroin sprinkled on top), about two hours later I had a needle hanging out my arm and the rest as they say is history.

And for the next 12 years I would ask my self, why did I not listen to my best friend, he knew what would happen, he had been down the road - he cared, and I just ignored his concerns and love and did it anyway. Now the price is paid.

0-18 Who Am I?

1998-06-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

I grew up the child of a Single Mother, Pharmaceutically Dependant for every action in life, I do not blame her for my life, my experiences during this time have giving me the tools to deal with almost everything one could imagine, she did her best and loved me 'perhaps a little too much - if there is such a thing'. The lack of a father figure is not something I can blame either, I had two of the best uncles a boy in my situation could hope for, one in particular who for all intense purposes can be considered my template for fatherhood.

As a child I was stifled in every area of natural development imaginable, I am sure I would be a Developmental Psychologists 'wet dream'. This was for the most part due to an abusive Father that caused the deaths of my two elder siblings prior to their birth, this is however a rather loose statement as my Mother was prone to exaggeration and for all I know this could be a flat out lie. I am in contact with my Father these days, he lives in another country, I am sure the topic will arise when we meet but for the time being the point is moot as it is irrelevant to my development as I believed it - and for that matter so did she during the formative years. The natural extension of this, for her, was to treat me as though I was the most fragile object in the universe and to try and protect me from all out side dangers in life.

A few years prior to entering high school, my Mother decided it appropriate, for reasons I hope I will one day discover perhaps when I release the address of this blog to family members, to travel to England. The first few months in that country were a time of desperate torment for me, I had no friends, I had an accent which was foreign to them and was naturally targeted and assaulted on many occasions. As I recall in the last couple of months of our one year stay, we lived in squalor in a cellar (basement) within a bed and breakfast establishment, rising damp and cockroaches were par for the course. We finally managed to come back to home, thanks to the generosity of one of our family members, and tried as best we could to put the whole thing behind us.

There was a period just prior to this, in New Zealand of a few years that I seem to of blocked out of my consciousness, I am sure it is for good reason, as my Mother would never talk about anything that happened in those 6 years.

For one reason or another it was decided that I should go to private school, probably a good idea as I did manage to stay clear of every form of drug during the entire period. The school I went to was full of rich kids that had access to drugs, but I was very concerned not to become like my Mother in any respect whatsoever, I managed to avoid this by consciously getting into the NERD clique.

One wonders how I could have made it to 18 without taking drugs and then decide in a matter of months to take up smoking, drinking and other forms of recreational drugs without some rational thought kicking in. I personally think this was due to the sheltering I received, I gained a sudden freedom and by God I used it to the fullest. Why then the deliberate decision not to do it during high school, I have thought on this for some ten years and have no answer.