Well it is Christmas day, almost 4 months since my first shot of Heroin. Not suprisingly I had felt no ill effects in this period, all the hype in the videos from school and the various 'survivors' they drag round on show to tell you about 'just one try' an your addicted instantly was bull shit. Aremed with this information, the choice to have another go was pretty straight forward for me, 'snow cones' piss off, I am hard, lets go get picks (needles, guns, syringes etc).
What an awesome day, it flew by, the people that knew me best none the wiser. Could it be? A substance that made me feel so could, with little or no detectable traces to the outside world? Bliss, euphoria and extacy were the modes of the day.
I vomitted immediatly after having it, quite common, something you would think would put people off, but no it is quite a nice sensation when high.
The next few days / weeks / months / years were fine, no urges to have more, no cravings, no come-down... It would be almost three years till my next 'hit'.
Friday, December 25, 1998
Sunday, August 9, 1998
My Introduction to Heroin
I am not one who subscribes to peer pressure, I made my choices, they were what I perceived to be at the time informed choices. Any intimation that I in someway blame any of the individuals within this post for any of my decisions is perceived only by the reader, and most certainly not intended to be conveyed by the author.
My self and a couple of friends had been collecting a close friend from Prison, he had been a heroin addict prior to his incarceration, at the time of the incarceration I would have been 15 or so. My two friends that knew this person we were collecting had also both had earlier Heroin Addictions, they had both subsequently kicked their individual habits, this as is often the case was mainly due to the fact that he was the only place they could actually get it from. Heroin is a drug that seems to have a majority hold via temptation, once the temptation is removed it is not as hard as some may suggest to stop yourself from craving it, it is rather when you know that you can access it that you crave it. This was a subtlety that I clearly did not fully grasp at the time.
After we had collected our friend, his immediate need was to 'get on', subtly I did notice my two other friends who had seemingly kicked their habits starting to 'twitch' or crave the fix. After a few hours of this it was decided that we would go and collect a small amount to see how it went, at that point I was hell bent on not having any. Some years prior to this, my knowledge of the addictions of my friends had caused me to turn my back on them (something I now know to be the worst thing I could have done). I had got back in touch with them a year or so after their habits were broken, and we happened across each other and managed to patch things up.
I watched on, somewhat apprehensively as they 'shot up', one of them said to me "why don't you have a little on a cone (marijuana), it will do hardly anything, just make you feel like you've had many cones", he said. The closest of my two friends, hell bent against the idea for-bey me to do so, so we went to the party and the night went on. A little later the friend with they initial suggestion, approached me and made the suggestion again. I have a great dislike for alcohol being used as an excuse for any for of behaviour that one claims to be out of their norm, and for that matter I don't being pissed changed all that much, I would like to think I would have said no had I been sober, but the reality is somewhat different. I had watched them earlier 'shooting up' and the effect it had on them, I had tried most other drugs at this point and though, 'yeah I can handle it', I decided to have a 'snow cone' (a cone of weed with Heroin sprinkled on top), about two hours later I had a needle hanging out my arm and the rest as they say is history.
And for the next 12 years I would ask my self, why did I not listen to my best friend, he knew what would happen, he had been down the road - he cared, and I just ignored his concerns and love and did it anyway. Now the price is paid.
My self and a couple of friends had been collecting a close friend from Prison, he had been a heroin addict prior to his incarceration, at the time of the incarceration I would have been 15 or so. My two friends that knew this person we were collecting had also both had earlier Heroin Addictions, they had both subsequently kicked their individual habits, this as is often the case was mainly due to the fact that he was the only place they could actually get it from. Heroin is a drug that seems to have a majority hold via temptation, once the temptation is removed it is not as hard as some may suggest to stop yourself from craving it, it is rather when you know that you can access it that you crave it. This was a subtlety that I clearly did not fully grasp at the time.
After we had collected our friend, his immediate need was to 'get on', subtly I did notice my two other friends who had seemingly kicked their habits starting to 'twitch' or crave the fix. After a few hours of this it was decided that we would go and collect a small amount to see how it went, at that point I was hell bent on not having any. Some years prior to this, my knowledge of the addictions of my friends had caused me to turn my back on them (something I now know to be the worst thing I could have done). I had got back in touch with them a year or so after their habits were broken, and we happened across each other and managed to patch things up.
I watched on, somewhat apprehensively as they 'shot up', one of them said to me "why don't you have a little on a cone (marijuana), it will do hardly anything, just make you feel like you've had many cones", he said. The closest of my two friends, hell bent against the idea for-bey me to do so, so we went to the party and the night went on. A little later the friend with they initial suggestion, approached me and made the suggestion again. I have a great dislike for alcohol being used as an excuse for any for of behaviour that one claims to be out of their norm, and for that matter I don't being pissed changed all that much, I would like to think I would have said no had I been sober, but the reality is somewhat different. I had watched them earlier 'shooting up' and the effect it had on them, I had tried most other drugs at this point and though, 'yeah I can handle it', I decided to have a 'snow cone' (a cone of weed with Heroin sprinkled on top), about two hours later I had a needle hanging out my arm and the rest as they say is history.
And for the next 12 years I would ask my self, why did I not listen to my best friend, he knew what would happen, he had been down the road - he cared, and I just ignored his concerns and love and did it anyway. Now the price is paid.
Thursday, June 18, 1998
0-18 Who Am I?
I grew up the child of a Single Mother, Pharmaceutically Dependant for every action in life, I do not blame her for my life, my experiences during this time have giving me the tools to deal with almost everything one could imagine, she did her best and loved me 'perhaps a little too much - if there is such a thing'. The lack of a father figure is not something I can blame either, I had two of the best uncles a boy in my situation could hope for, one in particular who for all intense purposes can be considered my template for fatherhood.
As a child I was stifled in every area of natural development imaginable, I am sure I would be a Developmental Psychologists 'wet dream'. This was for the most part due to an abusive Father that caused the deaths of my two elder siblings prior to their birth, this is however a rather loose statement as my Mother was prone to exaggeration and for all I know this could be a flat out lie. I am in contact with my Father these days, he lives in another country, I am sure the topic will arise when we meet but for the time being the point is moot as it is irrelevant to my development as I believed it - and for that matter so did she during the formative years. The natural extension of this, for her, was to treat me as though I was the most fragile object in the universe and to try and protect me from all out side dangers in life.
A few years prior to entering high school, my Mother decided it appropriate, for reasons I hope I will one day discover perhaps when I release the address of this blog to family members, to travel to England. The first few months in that country were a time of desperate torment for me, I had no friends, I had an accent which was foreign to them and was naturally targeted and assaulted on many occasions. As I recall in the last couple of months of our one year stay, we lived in squalor in a cellar (basement) within a bed and breakfast establishment, rising damp and cockroaches were par for the course. We finally managed to come back to home, thanks to the generosity of one of our family members, and tried as best we could to put the whole thing behind us.
There was a period just prior to this, in New Zealand of a few years that I seem to of blocked out of my consciousness, I am sure it is for good reason, as my Mother would never talk about anything that happened in those 6 years.
For one reason or another it was decided that I should go to private school, probably a good idea as I did manage to stay clear of every form of drug during the entire period. The school I went to was full of rich kids that had access to drugs, but I was very concerned not to become like my Mother in any respect whatsoever, I managed to avoid this by consciously getting into the NERD clique.
One wonders how I could have made it to 18 without taking drugs and then decide in a matter of months to take up smoking, drinking and other forms of recreational drugs without some rational thought kicking in. I personally think this was due to the sheltering I received, I gained a sudden freedom and by God I used it to the fullest. Why then the deliberate decision not to do it during high school, I have thought on this for some ten years and have no answer.
As a child I was stifled in every area of natural development imaginable, I am sure I would be a Developmental Psychologists 'wet dream'. This was for the most part due to an abusive Father that caused the deaths of my two elder siblings prior to their birth, this is however a rather loose statement as my Mother was prone to exaggeration and for all I know this could be a flat out lie. I am in contact with my Father these days, he lives in another country, I am sure the topic will arise when we meet but for the time being the point is moot as it is irrelevant to my development as I believed it - and for that matter so did she during the formative years. The natural extension of this, for her, was to treat me as though I was the most fragile object in the universe and to try and protect me from all out side dangers in life.
A few years prior to entering high school, my Mother decided it appropriate, for reasons I hope I will one day discover perhaps when I release the address of this blog to family members, to travel to England. The first few months in that country were a time of desperate torment for me, I had no friends, I had an accent which was foreign to them and was naturally targeted and assaulted on many occasions. As I recall in the last couple of months of our one year stay, we lived in squalor in a cellar (basement) within a bed and breakfast establishment, rising damp and cockroaches were par for the course. We finally managed to come back to home, thanks to the generosity of one of our family members, and tried as best we could to put the whole thing behind us.
There was a period just prior to this, in New Zealand of a few years that I seem to of blocked out of my consciousness, I am sure it is for good reason, as my Mother would never talk about anything that happened in those 6 years.
For one reason or another it was decided that I should go to private school, probably a good idea as I did manage to stay clear of every form of drug during the entire period. The school I went to was full of rich kids that had access to drugs, but I was very concerned not to become like my Mother in any respect whatsoever, I managed to avoid this by consciously getting into the NERD clique.
One wonders how I could have made it to 18 without taking drugs and then decide in a matter of months to take up smoking, drinking and other forms of recreational drugs without some rational thought kicking in. I personally think this was due to the sheltering I received, I gained a sudden freedom and by God I used it to the fullest. Why then the deliberate decision not to do it during high school, I have thought on this for some ten years and have no answer.
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